Trout Taliban

Trout Taliban

First choose an overcast day to fish by a river such as the Oxus. On such a day the trout will rise more swiftly.

It will also be less likely that you will be blown out of your flip-flops by a Hell-fire missile.

Such things spoil a day’s fishing. So send your brother mujahedeen to the top of the nearest hill to watch and listen.

Trust in Allah, peace be unto him, but bait your hook with fat worms.

As you sit by the bank make sure a fire of dried wood is burning down to grey ashes.

When you have four trout it is time to cook.

Take four sheets of a newspaper. Infidel newspapers like The Times are excellent. Also good is Dawn. Do not even think of using religious texts, which are too small anyway. Vogue leaves a bad taste and is full of impurity.

Place the gutted fish in the centre of the paper and roll each into a small packet. It is best to do this alone as two mujahedeen rolling trout can often bump heads and fall out.

Wet these packets gently in the fast flowing river, being careful not to let go.  Check that the wood ash has been reduced to dust and bury the trout beneath the embers. Place your AK-47 away from the fire as you do this.

When the paper is dry and turning a little yellow the trout will be done.

Then sit down and eat the fish by the riverbank, chuckling into your beard.

If you forget your mujahedeen brother at the top of the hill keeping lookout and eat all four fish, never mind.

Go to the river and catch more fish.

Remember, only Allah is perfect.

Paul Pickering’s latest novel The Leopard’s Wife is published by Simon&Schuster. He is at work on Over the Rainbow, a novel set in Afghanistan. This recipe was for a Pakistani friend's wedding book.